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marikosttherese's Blog


S'been a long time

Since I've felt this absolutely crappy.

Nobody can hear me. Nobody understands. Nobody cares.

Not even my husband's goofiness is lifting this one. Crap. I'm busy. I have a life to live. I don't have time for days like this.

Give me the beat, boys...

I want to do "the search", but am not quite ready. You see, I'm terrified. Of what, I don't know. Afriad I will find something I don't like? Hardly. I'm old enough to have learned how to deal with devastation. Afraid I will find nothing? Couldn't be worse that knowing nothing because I haven't tried. Afraid I will find that I can't afford it, or that language barriers become obstacles? Nah.. doubt it. I'm a strong believer in where there's a will, there's a way. Afraid it will crush my parents? Certainly not. They don't have to know, they don't have to understand, but I'm sure that they'll be as supportive as they know how.

I can't logically think of a reason why not to begin. Still, I wish I could know what's holding me back so that I could overcome it. I have no idea where to start...

To be optimistic for the sake of another

Someone I very much admire & care about is struggling with treatments for an illness... not sure what to make of the world right now.

Facebook regarding politics & religion!

Hey FB! How is it possible that you can turn otherwise admirable and likable people into such antagonists? I'll never stop liking my friends and family, but you sure are going to tempt me, aren't you?

How long can this go on?

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Racism

Ugh. I'm going to start treating it as a mental illness. That's the only way I'll ever be able to exhibit tolerance towards my in-laws & co-workers. Why do people think it's okay to show me just how tiny their little minds are? Because my race is different from theirs & the one they're demeaning? How can these people call themselves Christian? Yuck. No sense arguing with 'stupid'.

Strange pains shooting through my life.

I have nothing rational to say. Words are not helping this time around.

Healing...?

I played the piano for 4 hours today. My fingers aren't as agile as they once were. Or, if you prefer, my manual dexterity isn't the same as it used to be. I "swung" every run of 8th notes & I'm not as quick as when I was younger. All of these years I've been clinging to the passion, I let go of the ability.

Out of curiosity, I looked up this cellist I once met. He was studying to be a conductor, and seemed oh so interesting. I very much would have liked to been friends with him, but he let me go. He didn't break my heart or anything, but do remember him. I was curious about him, so I looked him up. Turns out, he's made a small name for himself. Go, that guy. As I'm sitting here thinking these things, it seems like I should be bitter. At a low point, I might say, "what's the point? I lose everything I'd like to keep." Sometimes I want my youth back. But not always; not usually. I can't change the past, but I guess it doesn't matter as much as our memories would have us believe. At least we have something to remember. It's good to let go of the past in light of the present. I played the piano for 4 hours today.

My ego hooked up with self-rightousnes & now they've run off together

-wreaking all sorts of havoc in my brain.

I dislike being angry. How do you balance being nonjudgmental & a sense of justice?

If you're going to pay someone to care for your loved-one, then I suggest getting a nannycam so you know exactly what you're paying for. Let everyone know that you have one & force us to be accountable.

Could use a performance review, complete with constructive criticism, before I start thinking I'm God's gift to the sick & elderly.

Ego

Is getting away from me today. Dear Lord! Help me keep my mouth shut & not make a decisions that will give me cause to hate myself.

#Songs i listen to when i'm sad

My Immortal by Evanescence - When I need to allow myself to feel it.

Summer Song by Chad & Jeremy - when I need to stop feeling it (the lyrics don't usually apply, but the music does the trick)

Far too much tragedy

I wonder how my little nephews will come to understand this day in history. I wonder what will be the major, tragic event in their lifetime. I wonder if those who were directly affected still reel in pain and loss. I hope no one is telling them to "suck it up," or "get over it." I wonder if the reminders every year from the world are too much for them.

I'm glad no one in my life reminds me of how much history hurts.

I truly do love him; I really enjoyed being single.

We've been together for eight years. Been through a lot and grown together. We're still growing. I miss good old fashioned flirting. I used to do that a lot when I was single. Now there is no time or energy for such nonsense. I couldn't or wouldn't dare to engage in such behaviors with somone else. Too much loyalty to prove I suppose, but I feel like I'm supressing a part of me. Or maybe I feel a tad bit desperate and frustrated. I wish I knew how to balance being a loyal wife with being a good-natured flirt.

During the year that I was born

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Let me put this in a way you'll understand

Dear Suffering,

I am going to squash you.

Sincerely,
Compassion

You. Me. Relationship. Define.

Relationships are funny creatues. They mold themselves between people out of experiences, conversations, and emotions. Sometimes they end, but once they happen they never unhappen. You've had at least as many relationships as people you've known. How much do you know about me? I'm trying to remember how much I've opened up to you, but we've known each other for a long time. I've been so private in this stage of my life, that I can't remember how it used to be. There should be a way to say "I love our relationship" regardless of what type of connection you have with people. The like-minded would understand. "Namaste" seems so commercial, and commercial is not my style.

1-14 of 14 Blogs   

Previous Posts
S'been a long time, posted April 18th, 2013
Give me the beat, boys..., posted January 25th, 2013
To be optimistic for the sake of another, posted December 27th, 2012
Facebook regarding politics & religion!, posted November 6th, 2012
How long can this go on?, posted November 2nd, 2012
Racism, posted November 1st, 2012
Strange pains shooting through my life., posted October 5th, 2012
Healing...?, posted October 1st, 2012
My ego hooked up with self-rightousnes & now they've run off together, posted September 28th, 2012
Ego, posted September 24th, 2012
#Songs i listen to when i'm sad, posted September 12th, 2012
Far too much tragedy, posted September 11th, 2012
I truly do love him; I really enjoyed being single., posted September 6th, 2012
During the year that I was born, posted September 6th, 2012
Let me put this in a way you'll understand, posted August 30th, 2012
You. Me. Relationship. Define., posted August 29th, 2012

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